I don't know......

 ......what your silence means..... 

Call me stupid...call me funny.....but just like you...I don't want to assume...I don't want to presume things....because whenever I do that...I always get the blame...always my fault

It's been weeks that you are no longer talking to me....yes, you are answering my messages with "take care"....but I know it is just out of pity....when are you going to talk to me? I miss the sound of your voice 

I want to call you...talk to you...see you...but I know....the possibility of my calls to be missed or ignored...just like my messages....I know you are online...I can see you liking reels....but chose to ignore me...and I understand...I don't have any right to demand that you answer me or talk to me....you have your own phase....your own mind....your own decision...I am no longer important....and I have painfully accepted that truth....

I am just praying that I would be able to talk to you...even for the last time...and I pray that if eventually we become strangers again...that we both protect what we had....I have loved you with all my heart...I was honest with you when I told you that I love you...I really do....and I still love you...so much...that I don't even know how to stop loving you...I will carry this love forever in my heart....

(I think it would be nice to see my birthday and your birthday on my grave marker.....just a silly thought)

You are.....

 ......still the one that my heart longs for....every day...I die a little knowing...that you are drifting far away from me....it has left me carrying a love that has nowhere to go...

I terribly miss you...in ways I can't put into words...my heart is breaking into pieces every day...i miss your voice...your laughter...the life that we both dreamed but never got to finish together...

I will always love you....always miss you...for as long as forever stretches....

Only you....always you....until the end of my life...it will always be you...reynalyn 

morning thoughts....morning pain....

Woke up with a splitting headache....I don't know if its the "Weider Sleep" that I took but did not make me sleep...and instead...made me think about death and other weird stuff. 

I tried to get out of the closet for some breather but I just could not stand up. I crawled into the tub and decided to stay there for a few minutes...closed my eyes and prayed

I don't know if I fell asleep there....because I was startled by the barking of the dogs....and suddenly felt really cold..

So I decided to take a warm shower....I let the water washed away my tears.....I don't know how to face this day....knowing there will be no message from her...and I would not be able to stop thinking about her every minute of the day....even if I try to get busy....I just could not shake her out of my mind...the struggle is real...especially when I know she's not even thinking of me.....

As I was walking towards my bed  I tripped over my luggage....and it hurts really....that Sterling Pacific Travel Case is so solid and sturdy....and my left foot was in agony for a few minutes....and while I was there on the floor....I started to think....considering that she's no longer talking to me...her recent messages are like "copy paste" "insincere" "forced" "thumbs up".....am I really expecting her to talk to me or even see me.....will all these efforts so I could travel be really worth it....or I am just walking towards a more painful journey.....will the long flight worth it......and then I remember those messages...telling me about her new man....that she's happy without me...even telling me...fuck off....leave her alone.....

But I want to really see her...even if its for the last time....tell her how much I love her....how much I care for her...and for her to give me that chance to prove myself...although she already told me...that it was so stupid of her to give me a chance....

It really hurts when you were already judged before you could even explain your side....you became the villain when you are actually the victim...and the person that you thought would stand by your side...had abandoned you...

I know she's happy now...enjoying her life....her freedom....while I am still here...stuck...in the same place where she left me...still crying over her...missing her terribly...while she's busy forgetting me...

Why is this happening to me? I just want to love and be loved....not to be tortured by the pain of not having the woman that I have loved so much...

God, please help me....I really wish this pain would kill me.....

the way we used to be

....I tried to hide it....but I just can't let you go....

y cuando la muerte me encuentre....

 ....espero que susurre, "ven ahora, la lucha ha terminado,"

y toma mi mano suavemente, como un viejo amigo que entiende por qué estoy tan cansado....

Espero que diga "has llevado suficiente dolor, déjame cargar ese peso por ti,"

Espero que promete "aquí hay tranquilidad, aquí puedes descansar,"

Bienvenido a casa, sobrinito

Compartiendo esta "post" de mi cuñado.....

Encantada de verte casa Zephy.....

Gracias Dios!!! 

Walk the dog....

 ...I mean "dogs"......

Actually, I just really want to see the bay...sit on a bench....cry....pray.....scream....hoping that the water would ease and calm my heart and mind...and help me decide....on things that could make or break me....

Thank you for walking with me my brother-in-law, Mikey....really appreciate the time...

you....

 only you...will always be you....until my last breath.....i love you.....

i just want to....

....walk...run...walk...run....cry...run...cry.. .cry...run...walk....run....until my legs ache....

17 degrees....cloudy skies....one broken man.....

surviving....

Thank you God for Your sustaining grace! 

 

How Can I Stop Loving You

how can i stop...i just can't stop.. how can i stop...i don't want to stop....

i love you so much.....

i thank GOD.....

 .......that I was able to sleep with you again, virtually. 

For a time I thought It will no longer happen...but I earnestly prayed for it...I have been sleepless for days.,,,,,.unable to even have a restful one without you...

When I saw your missed call...I took it as a cue that I can already call you....and even if its weird...because we are not talking...I was talking....you are not replying to my questions...I still stayed and endured the silence for more than 5 hours...I can hear sounds from your end...and from time to time I can hear you...and for someone...dying to be with you....the thought that you are on the other line...is better...than not being with you at all...I want to believe that you are sleeping....and I am sleeping....I think you heard me snoring....

And then again...today....we were able to virtually sleep together....and for a time I was telling you...I love you and I miss being with you...I just don't know if you heard it....but when the call ended....we tried calling each other but the call would registered as "missed" even if I answered it...or the call will dropped or end after it was answered by either of us....

Then you said..."its not working anymore. lets just stop. rest well"....I want to think that you are referring to the calls and not with whatever level of relationship we have now....

I don't know If you heard me crying on the other line....but I was...and I am right now....I terribly miss being with you...I am back at my closet....curled and cold....

Oh GOD! this obsession...this love...this longing...I don't know how I can contain it...

Please be with me again....my love 

back at the vegetable market....

Planning to cook some eggplant parmigiana and tomato soup. 

I was amazed to see different kinds of eggplants and tomatoes...

Mom bought a little of every variety! Yey!

You are....

 ....more than just someone that I have loved with all my heart and soul, but you were the woman who made my world a better place and for a time, I felt complete.. I just know, God answered my prayers....He gave you to me....

Now, everything feels slightly off, my world is still spinning, but not the same....you are drifting far away from me every minute

I miss you...I miss being with you...I miss you in the kind of way that does not fade, not with time, not with distance, It just stays....

It hurts....but I am still clinging to that faith in my heart...choosing you every day even if its more difficult...even if you are no longer choosing me....

I love you...I miss you....reynalyn 

Can't wait to see you home little nephew....

Update from my brother-in-law.....

Thank you GOD.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose - Romans 8: 28 

Los mensajes más difíciles....

 ........ son las que nunca envío

Siempre abro nuestro chat y empiezo a escribir todo lo que quisiera decir, todo lo que quiero preguntar...

Pero luego me detengo, porque sé que no cambiaría nada... no responderás mis preguntas, no leerás mis mensajes, no estás interesado...

La mayoría de las veces, pasan horas antes de que puedas notarlo... y yo estaba en el otro extremo... anticipando... rezando para que al menos respondieras...

Pero sé que no lo leerías en el sentido que yo quiero expresar.

No lo sentirás como yo lo siento

Y tu respuesta... fue tan fría... ni siquiera sincera... como si estuviera hecha por lástima...

Así que me siento aquí... desnudo y con frío... dentro de mi armario... mirando la pantalla de mi teléfono...escribiendo, borrando, escribiendo, borrando, llevando palabras que nunca enviaré, y aunque lo haga...nunca te molestarás en entender...sentimientos que nunca entenderás....

Pero como soy estúpido... y me aferré a esa pequeña esperanza en mi corazón... continuaré haciéndolo todo de nuevo... incluso si mi corazón sangra de dolor...

Sinceramente te amo... nada podrá cambiar eso... y aunque este dolor me mate... te amaré por siempre... incluso hasta mi tumba...

Stay Awake

I stay awake and I want you by my side......................................

I just want you....only you....