cried over a a bowl of arroz caldo.....

My Mommy is not feeling so well since yesterday and she said she does not have any desire to eat. She had her usual hot lemonade and a small apple but refuse to take anything more. My twin sister, Zia, told me that we need to persuade her to eat. 

So finally, after endless pleading, she gave in and said she wants a hot bowl of arroz caldo (a porridge with chicken) and soft brown bread. My twin sister volunteered to cook the porridge even if she's also sick. 

So there, after waiting for almost thirty (30) minutes...the food is finally ready!

Mom: Wow! Looks delicious, gracias mija!

Me:    It looks kinda oily to me

Zia:    What???

Me:    Kinda greasy

Zia:    Of course not and I used avocado oil, hellooo!

Me:    Too much oil

Mom:  Let me try it...(after a spoonful of the porridge)..good..good..delicious 

Zia:    See, its not greasy right Mom?

Mom:  (scooping another spoonful of porridge)

Me:    I don't know but it looks oily 

Mom:  It's really not, here, try it

Me:    It's okay Mom, finish it

Mom:  I insist mijo (she then scooped a spoonful of it)...okay open your mouth..ahhh

Me:     Mom!

Mom:  Let me feed you...I miss doing this...sooner or later Rain will do this for me....

 

I was speechless...

So I let her feed me for like three spoonful of the porridge and then I told her to finish it and I will just get my own....

I went into the kitchen...and cried....

If Mom only knew the battles I have to face the past months...the fear of losing the woman that I have loved so much...the reality that she is asking me to let her go....that we are not okay...I don't know how to tell Mom... ..I don't know how my Mom will react if eventually...I will become alone again...if only my Mom knew how much I wanted to fix things...to prove myself...that my intentions are pure....

My tears consumed me...I was there sitting in front of a bowl of arroz caldo....my heart is screaming......longing for the day that we will be happy again....i was happy because we were virtually sleeping together almost every night (or day, depending on the time zone)....and those moments are precious to me....i treasure every moment spent with her and i am praying that God will not let her give up on us....

"Zeyen where are you?"

"Mom, wait, I'm going there now"