surviving....

Thank you God for Your sustaining grace! 

 

How Can I Stop Loving You

how can i stop...i just can't stop.. how can i stop...i don't want to stop....

i love you so much.....

i thank GOD.....

 .......that I was able to sleep with you again, virtually. 

For a time I thought It will no longer happen...but I earnestly prayed for it...I have been sleepless for days.,,,,,.unable to even have a restful one without you...

When I saw your missed call...I took it as a cue that I can already call you....and even if its weird...because we are not talking...I was talking....you are not replying to my questions...I still stayed and endured the silence for more than 5 hours...I can hear sounds from your end...and from time to time I can hear you...and for someone...dying to be with you....the thought that you are on the other line...is better...than not being with you at all...I want to believe that you are sleeping....and I am sleeping....I think you heard me snoring....

And then again...today....we were able to virtually sleep together....and for a time I was telling you...I love you and I miss being with you...I just don't know if you heard it....but when the call ended....we tried calling each other but the call would registered as "missed" even if I answered it...or the call will dropped or end after it was answered by either of us....

Then you said..."its not working anymore. lets just stop. rest well"....I want to think that you are referring to the calls and not with whatever level of relationship we have now....

I don't know If you heard me crying on the other line....but I was...and I am right now....I terribly miss being with you...I am back at my closet....curled and cold....

Oh GOD! this obsession...this love...this longing...I don't know how I can contain it...

Please be with me again....my love 

back at the vegetable market....

Planning to cook some eggplant parmigiana and tomato soup. 

I was amazed to see different kinds of eggplants and tomatoes...

Mom bought a little of every variety! Yey!

You are....

 ....more than just someone that I have loved with all my heart and soul, but you were the woman who made my world a better place and for a time, I felt complete.. I just know, God answered my prayers....He gave you to me....

Now, everything feels slightly off, my world is still spinning, but not the same....you are drifting far away from me every minute

I miss you...I miss being with you...I miss you in the kind of way that does not fade, not with time, not with distance, It just stays....

It hurts....but I am still clinging to that faith in my heart...choosing you every day even if its more difficult...even if you are no longer choosing me....

I love you...I miss you....reynalyn 

Can't wait to see you home little nephew....

Update from my brother-in-law.....

Thank you GOD.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose - Romans 8: 28 

Los mensajes más difíciles....

 ........ son las que nunca envío

Siempre abro nuestro chat y empiezo a escribir todo lo que quisiera decir, todo lo que quiero preguntar...

Pero luego me detengo, porque sé que no cambiaría nada... no responderás mis preguntas, no leerás mis mensajes, no estás interesado...

La mayoría de las veces, pasan horas antes de que puedas notarlo... y yo estaba en el otro extremo... anticipando... rezando para que al menos respondieras...

Pero sé que no lo leerías en el sentido que yo quiero expresar.

No lo sentirás como yo lo siento

Y tu respuesta... fue tan fría... ni siquiera sincera... como si estuviera hecha por lástima...

Así que me siento aquí... desnudo y con frío... dentro de mi armario... mirando la pantalla de mi teléfono...escribiendo, borrando, escribiendo, borrando, llevando palabras que nunca enviaré, y aunque lo haga...nunca te molestarás en entender...sentimientos que nunca entenderás....

Pero como soy estúpido... y me aferré a esa pequeña esperanza en mi corazón... continuaré haciéndolo todo de nuevo... incluso si mi corazón sangra de dolor...

Sinceramente te amo... nada podrá cambiar eso... y aunque este dolor me mate... te amaré por siempre... incluso hasta mi tumba...

Stay Awake

I stay awake and I want you by my side......................................

I just want you....only you....